Restlessness is a wicked disease. While your body tries to complete its day, your mind wanders and tries to create its own cycles. Solitude leads to discomfort, company creates confusion. 
Understand that your feelings, what you feel right now, are they temporary, or is there some permanence? I strictly believed that smoking was harmful, that smokers are violators of the privacy and space of others. Now that I have come across so many smokers, and many of them are close friends, I don’t feel that way anymore. Temporary. 

Can you truly hate someone you love, as a friend, sister, father, relative? Some people believe that you can. A friend of mine truly hates his ex-girlfriend for what she put him through. However, given the choice, I know he’d rather be subjected to it again than not at all. Permanence. 

However, it is difficult to understand the dual nature of these feelings. Today, right now, I want something. I might not feel the same way tomorrow, but I also wish that I do. I want a permanence in my feelings, but the very fact that they are temporary will make it hurt less. 

I believe we wish for more pain. More suffering, just in the blankets of hope. We’ve been through this entire hope-expectation-let down-heart break-pain circle before. Yet the heart wants what the heart wants. If not today, tomorrow. That very hope will keep us alive. That very hope kills us everyday. 

Rather stupidly, what we wish for isn’t the impossible, which makes it worse. It strengthens hope, it creates room for possibility. Wanting to marry Miss India won’t lead to heartbreak. Falling in love with the girl next door will. 

Assume we can’t stop hoping, because that as a consequence would mean we stop living. But let us hope for things that are in our control. And if they don’t work out, modulate expectations and move on. The longer the heart lingers, the harder the fall. 

Period. It’s almost as if by writing all this I’m hoping for my brain to learn, to teach me a lesson in walking away. But my brain is restless, and it still tries to create its own cycles. 

One and Only

The air stills. Leaves bristle. A lone kid cries somewhere in the distance. He looks back at his recent past and smiles, wondering how he had gotten so lucky. Karma had finally caught up, or as his friends put it, law of averages had caught up.

The courtship had been special. He had smelt love in every moment of the mornings he had woken up beside her. Waking up to her beautiful face, hair slightly glistening in the morning sunshine, created a lifetime in a second. A train whistled in the distance. They had met in the most unusual of places, the central library. Unusual for most people, yet so ordinary for the people that they were. Ambitious, as the moon shone green through the leaves of the woods, her memories surrounded him and he wondered when he would kiss those lips again. 

He warped through all the memories and quickly decided to get his days work done quickly. The boss had sent a bunch of mails to him that morning. What a terrible Friday!

Initially, he had been attracted to her super cute looks and the way she played with her hair as she read novel after novel. They shared the same table for weeks, without a word spoken between them. Thousands of words read in those books, not a single one transformed into sound. 

He’d finally caught her on her way home one evening, and asked her to join him for a coffee. They talked for hours about the books they were reading, the lives they were leading and other small talk. 

They laughed on silly incidents till they had tears in their eyes, they fought with a vengeance and fires burned brighter. They cried watching Schindler’s List and Up, they kissed like the world was under threat. Feelings so magnified, like the reflection of the green of a forest in a dew drop. Clicked in Macro, of course. Life, was beautiful. 

He fell for her fascination of imaginary worlds, the fantasy of capturing all those stories and tales in that glimpse of a moment, the smile that it brought to her face. Between life stories and second glances, they fell in love.

The Travel Kick

And here’s another post. So a lot has happened, and a lot will be written about, hopefully.

I started out on the 19th of February, when I made a quick trip to Jodhpur to attend Ignus 2015. The emotions that I felt on this trip are indescribable. It was the fourth edition of the festival with humble beginnings, then known as Ignus 2012, and by, has it come a long long way. Another emotional sentimental call out to all those seven brothers of mine who made this festival possible (you know who you are!)

With Jodhpur under the threat of Swine Flu, quite a few people didn’t turn up, but it was always good to be in a place where people know who you are (oh my ego!) and you are comfortable with your juniors, your seniors and your batchmates turning up around the corner and no one really is looking to mess with you, because that’s the fun of college y’all.

Returning to Bangalore would have been tough, because it would have meant work, but that was my last week at work, yes, I am officially jobless, and hence the last week whizzed by in a jiffy. Which called for another trip, and this time, it was to Goa. I have been to Goa twice previously, once with family, once in my final semester in college (why does 2013 feel like so long ago?) and now here I was, returning to my farewell place, maybe.

Goa is and will always be beautiful. From the crazy party scene of North Goa to the calmness and the peace of the south, every grain of sand and drop of salt water is enjoyed. Add to that new experiences in the food section – Martins and our old favourite -Goodman, and it was a trip to savour. Being the designated driver is fun in Goa, because you get to drive 200+ kilometres on Goa’s beautiful curvy roads through 4 days, and enjoy every moment of the sun, the wind in your hair and the saltiness in the air.

Made even special was the fact that a whole bunch of people I’ve grown to know in the past two years accompanied me, and made this trip so much fun and I admire them all the more for taking out some time to come spend a final few days with me. We tried out the Airbnb cottages, and spent a few nights of luxury having the time of our lives.

Returning back to Bangalore, I made a splash-dash trip to Mumbai before heading out on a 22 day journey through the lands of West Bengal, Sikkim, Bhutan, Assam and Meghalaya. This was the longest solo trip of my life. I had no agenda, no plan, no company. And it wasn’t a mistake at all. I’ve had so much fun, understood so much about my own limits, my weaknesses, took in cultures, learnt languages, hitch-hiked, got cheated, bargained the hell out of people who don’t like bargaining, and in general experienced life. Travel teaches you so much, it just can’t be put into words.

I will be writing more about this trip, and be sharing a lot of pictures. But once again, this trip would not have been possible without so many people, who helped me before as well as during the trip. I have made an immense number of friends, and I’ve been much better for it. Now it is time to travel again, and I will be relocating to Hyderabad for a year to continue my studies. That’s bound to be another adventure, and another journey with no end.

I have ten days at home before that, and I will have to learn to savour every moment that I get with family, as years go past faster than I can count, the amount of time I spend at home seems to be reducing. It’s now been six years (soon will be seven) since I’ve spent more than a month at home, and it feels unusual to actually be spending this much time at home. When you own home starts feeling strange, maybe you’ve outgrown it, no?

Will write soon about the amazing 22 day trip I had. Watch out for that. As you leave, listen to a friend sing this beautiful rendition of “Feeling Good.” This is beautiful.

Random December Thing.

I’m attracted to you.

I would keep hanging out with you forever if it were possible.

You’re hot, you’re a star. I keep circling around you all day, wondering how it would feel to actually touch you.

I’m jealous that I’m not the closest one to you, but happy I’m at least in your inner circle.

Everyday, you brighten my day, and I feel like breaking this orbit and homing in to you, letting attraction work wonders if possible.

But you look at me with sorrow, crying out to keep my distance, begging me to not burn myself in the process of coming closer to you.

You believe that when we meet, I will be destroyed and life will hold no meaning.

I know exactly what this means.

I’m the earth. You’re the sun of my solar system.

And as long as time remains, I will be around, waiting for you to embrace me and give me your warmth, even if that is the last breath of my life.