Restlessness is a wicked disease. While your body tries to complete its day, your mind wanders and tries to create its own cycles. Solitude leads to discomfort, company creates confusion.
Understand that your feelings, what you feel right now, are they temporary, or is there some permanence? I strictly believed that smoking was harmful, that smokers are violators of the privacy and space of others. Now that I have come across so many smokers, and many of them are close friends, I don’t feel that way anymore. Temporary.
Can you truly hate someone you love, as a friend, sister, father, relative? Some people believe that you can. A friend of mine truly hates his ex-girlfriend for what she put him through. However, given the choice, I know he’d rather be subjected to it again than not at all. Permanence.
However, it is difficult to understand the dual nature of these feelings. Today, right now, I want something. I might not feel the same way tomorrow, but I also wish that I do. I want a permanence in my feelings, but the very fact that they are temporary will make it hurt less.
I believe we wish for more pain. More suffering, just in the blankets of hope. We’ve been through this entire hope-expectation-let down-heart break-pain circle before. Yet the heart wants what the heart wants. If not today, tomorrow. That very hope will keep us alive. That very hope kills us everyday.
Rather stupidly, what we wish for isn’t the impossible, which makes it worse. It strengthens hope, it creates room for possibility. Wanting to marry Miss India won’t lead to heartbreak. Falling in love with the girl next door will.
Assume we can’t stop hoping, because that as a consequence would mean we stop living. But let us hope for things that are in our control. And if they don’t work out, modulate expectations and move on. The longer the heart lingers, the harder the fall.
Period. It’s almost as if by writing all this I’m hoping for my brain to learn, to teach me a lesson in walking away. But my brain is restless, and it still tries to create its own cycles.